I’d Always Had an Abnormal Relationship with Food. When I Started Searching for Help, Overeaters Anonymous Saved My Life.

Before OA, I had tried every diet, every exercise, every new “thing” to lose weight. What I hadn’t tried was fixing myself from the inside out.

My first recollection of my abnormal food behavior was when I was 7 years old and had a picnic with a friend from school. She ate one cookie; I ate the rest. I remember thinking at that moment how strange that was—how could she not want more? I know my overeating started way before this as I was already overweight by that time. I truly believe I was born with this disease because I’ve always remembered having an abnormal relationship with food.

I truly believe I was born with this disease because I’ve always remembered having an abnormal relationship with food.

Before OA, I had tried every diet, every exercise, every new “thing” to lose weight. What I hadn’t tried was fixing myself from the inside out. As an adult, I faced many life struggles, and my body just got bigger and bigger. I faced life events, such as loss, divorce, layoffs, and being a single mom, by overeating food. I wanted to numb out and not feel anything. I would eat a healthy breakfast and lunch, but after work, I’d drive to three different fast-food restaurants on the way home and binge. I would then yo-yo diet: I would lose weight and gain it right back. My closet had clothes in all sizes. The more I tried to control everything, the more control I lost.

My lowest point happened a few months after the world shut down because of Covid. Overnight, life completely changed. I was now working from home, I couldn’t see my family, and I was eating myself to death. I woke up one morning and realized I gained 10 pounds (4.5 kg)  in two weeks’ time. I was now weighing in at 270 pounds (122.5 kg) and needed help. Without knowing it at the time, I was given the gift of desperation. I started searching the internet for help, and at the age of 39, I found my way to OA. That search saved my life.

I started attending meetings, found a sponsor, read literature, made outreach calls, and started fixing myself from the inside. I started believing in a higher power. I worked the Steps, cleaned my side of the street, became a sponsor, lost 70 pounds (32 kg), and most of all, I started loving myself. I didn’t even realize that I didn’t love myself until after I joined OA. I had to make amends to myself as I realized that I would never treat others the way I have treated myself. Someone once put something in perspective for me. If I was asked to make a list of people I love, they said, how long would it take for me to list myself? In OA, I slowly learned to love myself and put myself on the list. I started to matter too.

If I was asked to make a list of people I love, they said, how long would it take for me to list myself?

Unfortunately, relapse is also part of my story. After about a year of abstinence, I started turning to food for comfort once again. As the world started opening up again after the Covid shutdowns, I spent less and less time in program. For the next few years, I was unable to maintain more than a week’s worth of abstinence. My life started being chaotic again. Looking back now, I realize that I took my self-will back and thought I could control my life again. My abstinence and program weren’t a priority any longer. I didn’t trust my Higher Power any longer. I lost my serenity and peace. 

By the grace of my Higher Power, I never left program. I continued to show up and attend meetings, reach out and keep the connection. I found a new sponsor who showed me patience and love and was there for me through some very hard life situations. Slowly, I started making my abstinence and program top priority again. This wasn’t easy, because my life had become a very complex and busy one. But now I know what to do to keep my serenity and peace. 

I wake up as a compulsive overeater every day. I’ve been given OA’s Tools of Recovery, and I need to practice them every single day. I write down an action plan daily that includes one thing that I will do just for myself. This may include a walk outside or a quiet cup of tea. I attend meetings, journal, talk to my sponsor, commit my food plan, complete a nightly inventory, read literature, make outreach calls, work the Steps, and pray and meditate. This is all very time consuming, but I know that I need to do this daily in order to live a full life.

I make my program number one in my life so that I can feel the freedom that comes with abstinence. Every day, I relinquish my need for control over to my Higher Power and sometimes multiple times a day because my self-will is very strong.

I remind myself daily of what life was before program because I seem to forget sometimes. I live in faith, hope, and gratitude daily. 

OA saved my life and continues to save it every single day. I will forever be grateful to my HP for leading and guiding me here. I don’t live in the past nor the future. I take one day at a time and focus on the moment. It works if you work it, one day at a time and sometimes one minute at a time. 

—Agnes

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Source: Lifeline.OA.org © Overeaters Anonymous, Inc. All rights reserved.